Happily Ever After

Leah sat by the window in solitude. It was pitch dark outside. The moon was nowhere to be seen, probably hiding itself behind the clouds. There weren't even stars but still, she kept the windows open and look to the sky as if she was waiting for someone. Like Wendy's mom waiting for her children to return from Neverland.

The only difference was, she had no family to wait for. She was by herself since the she was 6.

The spring wind blew gently through her dark auburn hair which I have always admired. Her pale hands are holding on to her mug of coffee which she kept using over and over again although the handle had broke off from the mug. I almost trash it but she was hysterical when I did it. I was horrified by that side of her that I've never seen. She said it was a gift from an old friend. I was curious of that old friend cause out of all her friends, she never mentioned about him.

I later felt guilty for underestimating the mug.

It turned out that the old friend passed away when they were 15. They became close friends as they spend months together in a hospital. They both had cancer but the old friend didn't survive it. Tragic isn't it, her life was?

But I have never seen her cry. Never. Not even once. In fact, she was a bubbly girl who never fails to make everyone around her smile. She was not an absolute beauty, but there was warmth from the way she smiles to the way she speaks that made her admired by many.

And out of the many men, she married Daniel whom she met at a bookshop. Romantic isn't it? But it wasn't a pleasant love at first sight. Their first encounter was when a book fell onto her head when the man was trying to pick a book from the upper shelf. It was indeed a painful first encounter for both parties. Nevertheless, not only the book fell but they also fell for each other after a while, with a couple encounters at the bookshop and cups of warm coffee.

Talking about coffee,"Why are you drinking coffee this late at night?", I expressed my concern.

She didn't look at me, as I expected.

"I know you're sad but Leah, you shouldn't torture yourself like this."

She was holding back her tears, like she always do all her life.

Her life was tragic indeed. Her family, her friend and then...

Daniel.

It's been a week since the love of her life died due to a car crash. It was an unexpected departure. No warning, no signs, he promised to buy her the groceries and suddenly police ended up in front of her house with the bad news.

"Daniel...", she muttered to herself while staring at a particular book.
"... I wish I knew." She smiled but there was a sound of despair.

"This book, its the one that fell isn't it?", I asked a question that I already knew the answer to. For One More Day by Mitch Albom lied on a coffee table beside her.

"Aren't you feeling suspicious that your first love might actually, allegedly throw the book at you so that you would notice?"

There was only silence. Her eyes were still focused at the book.

"I'm sorry, Leah. I really do."

"Why are you doing this to me? Stop. Please", she uttered as she faced the window.

"I'm sorry. You've lost your family. You've lost a friend. You've gone through painful episodes and I though I could be here for you..."

She cuts, "Daniel", and she bursted into tears and fell to her knees. This was the first time I saw her crying. Sorrow filled the void that was empty since the day Daniel was gone.

I gazed at her longingly. I wish I could hug her, provide her the warmth she used to give me. I wish I could make her beam like she used to make me. I want to stop her suffering.

I wish.

but I couldn't.

"... and it turns out... ", I choked up.

"..it turns out that I'm also leaving you. I'm sorry Leah, I can't be there for you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If only I was more careful, maybe, just maybe I could be here for you"

"I'm sorry. I love you"

I wish, she could hear me. I wish she was actually talking to me. But all I could do was to see her from afar, invisibly. Like how I used to watch her coming through the door of the bookshop every week and she never fail to look stunning each time. I looked at her going through the second-hand books attentively until I managed to pick up the courage to talk to her, by allegedly dropping the book; but I really did not mean for it to fall on her head. I even managed to find excuses so that I could meet her frequently.

Who knew she, who was beloved by everyone, would accept me. Marrying her was a blessing, a dream come true.

I wish, you knew this.

I wish, for one more day, so that I could tell you this. But I'm gone now. I'm gone.

I'm sorry Leah, for I could not give the happily ever after ending you've always sought for, after all the hardships you've been through.

That day will come, you deserve it, but not now. Not with me.

And she lives happily ever after, don't lose faith on this Leah. Be strong, like you've always been.

This might sound a bit cheesy or too lovey-dovey for some of you and its really unlike me. This story was not planned ahead actually. I was bored and there was a couple of great movie soundtracks (try A New Day Beckons by Anthony Partos from the movie Sherpa) playing in the background so I came up with this and  it turned out as a melodrama. Thanks for reading this decent piece anyway and I wish you a happily ever after, Inshaallah. 

Don't Wither Away

Summer is almost here. I could see the flowers started to wither away, like my heart.

Bleh. This is Malaysia. Its pretty much spring the today then summer the next day, suddenly it rains in a drizzle like so adorable or rather too much like the roof is gonna be blown off, like its never gonna end. (Oh yes, KL was flooded few days ago)

And no, my heart is not withering like the flowers. My heart is fine, enduring A-Levels with all its might. My heart is like Malaysian weather these days. Unexpected but its doing fine, for now. Mostly heat, but well everyone have their bad days. (Its been raining these days, so, its gonna cool down)

Its almost holiday. 3 papers left!

They make us do 4 essays in 1 hour 30 minutes and next, its gonna be 6 essays in exactly the same period. Wow, CIE wow. Why you so kedekut with the time allocation.

I hate exams (who does?) and this is what A-levels is all about.

Lemme go off your clenches, quick. Before the storm blow me off, far off the shore. Right in the middle of nowhere, circled by sharks and all those unknown.

But of course I got Him, who will pull me to the shore, if only I try to find the right way and steer the ship with all my might. And so will I not only survive but also discover the island that was before, only in my dreams. Now, its in front of you. Nothing is indeed impossible eh?

11 Tips to Hating Someone

Hey, ever wonder how to hate someone so good and so much?

1. Be rude. That person would not like you too. Thus, he/she would stay as far away as possible from you.
2. Be greater than the person. People say winning is the sweetest revenge.
3. Annoy him/her. He/she might hate you even more than you do.
4. Influence his/her friend that he/she is bad. With this way, you are able to take away the friends and gain support from them.
5. Keep hating that it makes you annoyed even by looking at her/him smiling
6. Keep hating that your heart hurts just by seeing her/him doing something nice.
7. Hate her/him even more if they’re perfect.
8. Hate them even worse if they’re not human
9. If none of the tip works or applies, then my advice is stop it.
10. Stop following the guide.
11. Stop hating

Cause you know what, 

no matter how much you try to make someone look bad,

no matter how much you tried to beat them, in the end the hatred hurts you not them. 

It EATS YOU not them.

No matter how bad the person is, he/she is only a human. 

Hate the actions not the person. Now, istighfar ;)

P/S: Well, if that person is not a human, do tell me. I might call NASA or CIA. Or Sherlock.

Generalising? Not so Quick.

Orang Melayu ni banyak malas ah. Tak suka kerja you tau.

Chinese are all so arrogant. Don't nego with them, they all ni penipu je

Indians ni panas baran tau. Suka cari gaduh.

Oh orang Sabah eh? Ada internet ke kat sana?

Wahabi dah dia ni. Tengoklah statement dia...ape entah..

Bajet cakap omputeh. Sombong, lupa asal usul dah dia ni, BM kan ada...


Dan banyak lagiiiiii....

Penat.

Tired of seeing and hearing all these stereotypes. It's never-ending and it might probably will never end cause, what power do we have to stop people's judgement and criticism? Barely. And the media, movies and social keep portraying all these stereotypes the same way.

We tend to generalise that all the Indians, all Malays and whoever are the same which led to the same treatment.

If you learn psychology, you will associate studies with generalisations a lot. To make it simple, you can't really generalise that everyone will act this way if they have this or that. This is due to individual differences.

Humans are so complex that there is no way that each and everyone of us will act the same way and have the same attitude towards a certain event.  In fact, there are variation of reaction and attitude that we express causing it very hard for psychologists to read, and determine whether, it is genuine or not, or does it affected by other factors and so many others lah.

In many experiments, the researchers have to conclude with a reduction and generalise to simplify their study. And for us to have better understanding about, us, generally. Although actually, humans are not that simple and can be affected by so many factors but of course, that will mess our heads up.

That is why I'm telling you, psychology is not as easy as you think. Humans are complicated, so do the subject. Thank you.

The same case with our stereotypes. Do you really think that anyone who said a particular stuff or act in a certain way is already considered Wahabi or Syiah? Do you really think that most Chinese are liars?  Do you really think that the uncivilised parts of Sabah you saw on TV are actually the whole Sabah? And do you really think that I am sombong and have forgotten my asal-usul because I spoke English?

Don't eat and swallow everything you saw, listen or grow up with. Do your research. It doesn't matter if it was told by your best friend, your ustaz, neighbours, or whoever. Well, yes, respect them. Listen to them, but that also does not mean that you have to accept the information as a whole. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Read, a lot. Listen to forums, debates and lectures. Refer and asked questions from the experts or from the one who knows better about a certain topic.
Interact and befriend with a lot of types people. You'll be surprised with how wonderful these people actually are.

It is important to open up your mind but that doesn't mean you have to accept every opinion. Hold on to your faith and principle as it is the base. Strengthen the base, and thus, you won't easily crumble. With a strong faith and principle, you won't be easily influenced by the stereotypes and negativity. Because of your faith, you have reasons to fight for what you are fighting for. It is not because of what people are going to say, but it is because of what you believe in and hold on to.

So people, don't generalise too quick. There are about 1.6 millions Muslims worldwide. So, if Muslims are terrorists, the world would probably end people. Same goes to the other ethnicity and races. Istighfar brothers and sisters. Don't get so quick on criticising. Be quick on action, for the betterment of all of us :)

Wassalam.

You Oh You

You thought showing off yourself will get you off from being left

You want to be amongst the known rather than being alone

People will not just know you, they want to BE you.


But then, you gasped. This is not what you want. This is what THEY want.

There were times you wish you never did this and that.

Times you wish you remain invisible and stay true to your principle.

But borders crossed. Ticked the time. Fated what have been written.

Now that you're here, don't disappear.

He brought you to it, now get through it!

Tenang

Serabut. Satu persatu mesej di dalam grup Whatsapp yang berjela itu ku baca.

Makin serabut.

Aku cuba memecahkan suasana yang genting itu dengan memberi pandangan dan pendapatku. Tiba-tiba, satu mesej private masuk.

Aku membuka dan membacanya berulang kali lalu terdiam. Aku memang sedang berdiam, mulutku tidak mengeluar bicara apapun dari tadi tetapi apa yang dimaksudkan ialah mindaku, yang sedang serabut dan rancak mencari solusi itu secara drastik bertukar kaku dan berdiam diri.

Aku membalas maaf dan maaf. Tapi dibalas pula dengan teguran yang sememangnya merobek emosi.

Kini, emosi pula yang serabut. Memang sepatutnya aku tidak masuk campur kerana aku tidak merasakan apa yang mereka rasakan. Kerana aku tidak faham.

Kerana aku tidak menjadi saksi.

Kerana aku tiada di situ.Tika sepatutnya aku ada.

Bukan kerana aku tidak mahu. Bukan kerana aku lari malah aku berkobar-kobar untuk bersama kalian.

Tapi Allah lebih tahu. Bukan rezeki aku. Abahku sayang untuk melepaskan sejauh itu. Tak, aku tak mengatakan bahawa abah-abahmu tidak menyayangi kalian. Malah, mungkin mereka percaya akan kalian untuk menjaga diri, bergerak sejauh itu demi sahabat yang baru kenalnya sebulan.

Aku renung kembali mesej itu. Air mataku tiba-tiba mengalir. Tanpa henti. Sudah lama ku tidak merasa begini.

Tak. Sahabat yang menegur itu tidak salah. Sememangnya aku yang bersalah untuk masuk campur tanpa aku ketahui apa sebenarnya yang terjadi.

Aku terus berdiam diri sejak itu.

Pelbagai grup Whatsapp telah aku left. Bukan merajuk tapi ingin menenangkan diri dari rasa cemburu dan imarah.

Ah mana tak cemburu melihat gambar kalian bergembira bersama berukhuwwah. Aku akui, cemburu itu membuak-buak membinasa diri.

Imarah itu pastinya ada terhadap individu tertentu tapi, kerana itu aku 'lari'. Kerana itu aku left. Kerana itu aku tiak berkata sepatah pun selepas itu. Takut api imarah itu membakar diri dan orang lain, memusnahkan hati-hati sahabat yang tidak bersalah.

Aku juga takut. Kerana aku takut sekali kalian benci pada aku terutama sekali engkau. Kerana apa? Kerana aku seperti mencampakkan tanggungjawabku ke tepi. Kepada engkau.

Kerana itu aku berdiam diri seketika. I was trying to make sense of everything.

Aku memohon maaf. Aku meminta maaf kalian. Walaupun sudah berlalu tapi aku takut masih ada dendam kesumat yang tersimpan terhadapku. Bukan hanya kerana kejadian itu, tapi juga untuk setiap saat antara kita.

Si engkau pun tiada dendam padaku walaupun selama ini aku hampir mengalami depresi kerana memikirkan salahku pada engkau. Bilaku memberanikan diri untuk akhirnya bertanya apakah engkau marah, kau menafikannya malah tergelak tawa saat kita bertemu pertama kali semenjak itu.

Aku menarik nafas tenang.

Kerana kemaafan engkau dan rahmatNya, aku kini tenang.

Dan sebenarnya, aku berharap sekali, tiada antara kalian terutama sekali engkau membaca luahan ku ini, kerana apa yang terjadi sudah pun terjadi dan aku malu.

Aku malu sekali.

Tapi, ku luahkan jua kerana sudah begitu lama ia terbuku antara aku dan Tuhan.

Just One of the Most Boring Moment Sabrina

 "Petaling. Petaling. Awasi langkah anda. Please mind your step." *along with the absolutely, painfully familiar,cheery background sound*

And the exact same phrase repeated every time the train stopped. I looked over my watch and unconciously shaking my legs, like they always do, whenever I'm turning impatient.

Sarah and Mawad has reached their destination long ago. Long before I exchanged trains at the KL Sentral. In fact, they never been in THIS one, this train I was boarding at that moment. I looked around, there were only unfamiliar, emotionless faces. Well, at least their faces are more interesting to looked at than the sight outside.

It's not like I didn't appreciate the scenery, but I've passed through these cities for countless times. You can't expect me to enjoy the same concrete scenery all over again.

There were some seniors whom I met at the program this morning, just beside me. Chatting random things that I've no interest in. They weren't ignoring me. It's just that I don't feel the need and desire to barge in and join the circle. More precisely, I don't really like to socialize. I rather isolate myself with a book or my phone, or simply doing nothing and daydream.

I'm not anti-social. I can talk when I need to, but I don't like socializing. I don't like talking at the cellphone. I don't like meeting strangers. And I hate noises, crowds and gossips. I rather do what I'm doing right now. Writing.

Yup. I'm freaking introvert.

But, my 'job' right now force me to overcome all of the things that I hated. Socialize, talking at the cellphone, meeting strangers and yeah, noises and crowds. So now, I'm a trained extrovert. Pretty much like that. Hah.

Back to the train.

I brought The Other Side of The Coin book; but I was tired that I don't feel like reading.
My Blackberry is going out of battery; better keep it for calling purposes.
I want to sleep so badly; but it was absolutely not comfortable for me to lean my head.

Thus, I was still wide awake, and pretty much 'enjoying' the scenery outside. And boredom started to creep in.

 "Seri Setia. Seri Setia. Awasi langkah anda. Please mind your step"

Thoughts and curiosity kicks in;

I wonder who's the woman who voices these phrases.

Is it her job? How much do they pay her then? And then the background sound? Do they rip it off from the internet? Or bought it? Or do they specially made the soundtrack for the KTM? Then how much do they pay for it? But seriously, they pay for such thing? 

The back ground sound, it consists of keyboard, drum and what else? Do they compose it to what the KTM Berhad wants or they just had some kind of unused rhymes or rhymes made if-anyone-is interested-to-buy somewhere in their folders, and they thought, "This sounds ok for, the train". Maybe the KTM Berhad buys it anyway and finally it got here together with the "Shah Alam, Shah Alam. Awasi langkah anda. Please mind your step."

Oh I've reached my destination. Ok then.

Hey Sabrina! - I Went to Cambodia

 Hi there Sabrina.


So, you heard about it. I went to Cambodia. With my new friends whom I knew from MHi. In case you don't have any idea about MHi, do scroll down to the previous post, if you're in absolute curiosity about what MHi is all about.

You've read it? Nice. Or you didn't?

Doesn't matter anyway. You're busy by the way. Kinda.

Ok. So. Sabrina, we went there on the 14th of January and stayed there for about 9 days. We stayed in a village called Kampung Keh. It was that short. Keh. Sounds like a sigh you made when you're fed up with this world!

Ok, ignore that. I know it doesn't sound like a sigh. Keh. Nah. No way. Just forget the fact that I've ever mention that.

No, no fancy hotels. We just stayed in wooden houses which are not that bad actually. It's so-village-like I don't know how to describe it. Maybe museum-like. Like it's wooden but it's fancy. Yeah.

The house I stayed. So village-like right?

Sabrina, living in the village was like living in Malaysia in the 60's. For my foster family, they still use coals and firewood instead of stove to cook. Seeing my foster mother going through hasty process just to cook made me feel guilty. Just imagine cooking two times a day, everyday with coals.

The 'stove'

Like come on, I got stove at my home and I still find myself reluctant to cook.

And she didn't cook simple dishes you know. They were marvelous, her dishes. I thought we might undergo some diet here. But no. They served like five choices of dishes per meal. Each and everyone of them tasted like heaven. I ended up came back to Malaysia fatter.

And yes for water supply. Instead of SYABAS (which is not around here, obviously
) we had wells. We also had proper toilet like we do in Malaysia, don't worry.

Here, it's not recommended for you to be out after 8, especially the ladies. Because it gets really dark here at night. Electricity? Yes, they do have electricity. But, only in their homes. And only a few bulbs. Torch lights are really needed at night or you won't see a thing. it was like the whole village is having a blackout.

Sabrina. Sleeping here was not as comfy as sleeping on your bed. Not at all. We slept on mats and below our houses were cows. Yes, cows but they didn't smell. Thank God. Alhamdulillah.

The main concern was the coldness, the breeze at night made us shiver every night although we didn't switch on the fan at all. Luckily we had blankets but they didn't help much. Really.

So what did we do there?

We cycled the treacherous roads around the village, we went to beach, we had a dip at the river, we ate free ice creams, we had Cambodian cool blog, we taught the Cambodian kids, we learned Cambodian language, we went to a creepy museum with really dark past, we ride all sorts of transportation in Cambodia, we chased chicks (literally chicks, the children to chicken), we peeled bags and bags of garlic, we visited the unfortunate, we took lots of selfies, we played with the Cambodian kids, cleaned the schoolss, we did a performance, we did a lot.

That creepy museum I'm talking about

Pinky cyclist. Come on, its the IBS shirt

The kids at my house

It took quite an effort to clean the whiteboard

There. The only girls.

I had a lot of fun. So Sabrina, I also hope you are having fun there. May your dreams come true ~ (Aahh, cheesy ending)

I don't know how many times your name were written Sabrina, but I will do as promised, inshaAllah. I told you writing needs the right time.

Yes, I miss you Sabrina. Duh.

28 Days of Lessons on Life

"Kau pergi mana sebenarnya?"

They kept asking me that.

"Kem MHi"

And most of them responded the same way.

"Apa tu? Malaysia Hari Ini. Haha"

I laughed along. 

"Madrasatul Hayah ikram. Kem sebulan for SPM leavers"

And the response this time are varied.

"Waah. Macam best je" 

"Ngajok!"

"Oh, ikram ye"

"Buat apa je kat sana?"

"Lamanyaaaa"

And much more. Well, the answer?

It's not a camp. Nope. It's a school.
School that teaches me about life. (Nama pun sekolah kehidupan. Nampak tak permainannya)

• D dan T 

Well MHi doesn't teach life as a whole but isnt tarbiyyah and da'wah (D&t) LIFE?

Before, I didn't take heed of D and T.

But here, I truly realized that, it's my mission. OUR mission.

During our street dakwah, I realized that there's a lot I need to learn. Really.

"I don't think Muhammad's advice is suitable to be practiced nowadays, in our modern age"

An Australian lady I approached mentioned it. I disagree but still, I couldn't give a solid answer to tackle that statement. I was pretty much disappointed with myself.
Which brings me to a conclusion that I need to truly understand and learn more about Islam and the current issues.

Street dakwah was absolutely an eye-opening experience.

And communicating skills, I need to sharpen it.

OUR MISSION, is on the move!

• Ukhuwah

Here, I met all sorts of people. The commited, the emotional, the rebellious (kinda), the funny one, the serious, the quirky, the immature, the quiet ones and much much more.

With the fact that we're from different schools with very different personalities, we could actually bond really well. Sampai basah lemas dihanyut deras ukhuwah.

Sampai basah muka kerana deras air mata. Air mata perpisahan.

And the Whatsapp group will always be filled with notifications. They won't stop.

 Until when? We'll see.

But what's important is in the heart, not in the social media itself.

• Skills

Cooking, sewing, self-defence, public speaking, debate, leadership, media, menari? Maybe.

Too many things were learned. Too much. Oh yes, we cook everything ourselves. We cooked for 100+ people. Yes, we did, EVERYDAY.

My group wasn't a good cook though, which includes me. 

And I didn't finish my public speaking. What a disappointment. Sabrina would be disappointed. 

• Special Little Things

Ice cream motor, came by almost every evening. And I, always hope that someone will treat me one. And they always do.

Syurga! 

P.O. Back to sunnah!

Makan dalam talam.

Help the flood victims in Perak.

And MHi 14/15 itself.

Thank you. Shukran. Arigato. Kamsahamida. Danke. Terima kasih. Alhamdulillah.

Berakhirlah suatu bab kehidupan. Ayuh buka lembar yang baru. :)

Superheroes Let Go

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Habis. Kholas. Finish. The end. SPM. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Thought that it would cheer me up, knowing that there are no strings on me anymore.

But nope. I was glad and relieved but, the feeling of cheerfulness? Nope, it wasn't there. Instead, the gloom invaded me in and out.

And you know why. 

Yes, there are no strings on me. But that also include Maahad. That one string that I refused to let go, as if the string is attached to a balloon filled with helium gas of memories.

 ( Metaphoric yg terlalu hiperbola )

If I let it go, that fragile balloon of memories will float up towards the sky, further and further until it looks like a little red dot. And disappears.

Or it explodes before your eyes with no mercy before it even reach the clouds. 

Its cruel. Yes, the world can be cruel. But only if you think like that.

have faith. There are more to life than you think it is. 

Past is past. They are meant to be learnt from, not to be kept. 

Cause if you keep it to your heart for too long, you'll never be ready for what's ahead. Let it go. 

Future IS scary. But that's what you're living for, fighting for.

In fact, there are still strings on me and you. A lot more. Past is beautiful but hey, you're not living in it anymore. 

The world needs us. No time to gape. No time to throwback. No time to waste. We are the SUPERHEROES the world have been waiting for.

Stop hiding behind those masks of pretentiousness and glamor. 

Start the fight. By using your weapons of wisdom and courage.

"Die trying or stay alive for a hundred yours with no purpose"

We won't probably have the cool suit like Batman. And probably not as famous as Ironman.

But to Allah, we'll absolutely be way cooler than Batman. And imagine having our names mentioned among the Creatures in the sky, now that's cool.

So now, can you feel the excitement of being the SUPERHEROES?

10 years from now...

If Allah wills,

I will be 27

I would be a little taller

Can drive my own car. Yes, I would have my own car, but not the one I dreamed of. Because at that age, my dreams wasn't really my priority.

At that age I need to prioritize my job, and my family's needs.

I would also be working as an assistant property dealer and also helping to realize my sister's dream school in any way I could.

I also would be working out to open a business with my friends.

Going to programs and talks that I've always wanted to go.

And having lots and lots of invitations to weddings (lol).

Well, that's the idealistic ones. 

The other possibility is more realistic.

10 years from now,

I would be far away from all of you,

Even if you're in US, Africa or still in Malaysia

I'm still far away from all of you

But you know where to find me

I might be deep beneath the surface of the earth, marked with stones that were carved with my name and the date I breathed my last.

The people who came to visit would smile instead of weeping

And hopefully, I would also be smiling my brightest and the happiest of them all.

You know what I mean.

...if Allah wills


 For death is certain.

"The Best of All"

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

"Describe your Ramadhan"

This is it:

"Aku nak berangkat ni."

"Jap". Ku peluk erat sahabat lama ku itu.

'Eh, tak pernah-pernah peluk aku."

"Tahun ni, aku belajar macam-macam dari kau. Serius weh!"

Dia tersenyum. "Bukan aku aku yang ajar kau. Allah. Aku just dihantar ke sini untuk peringatkan korang je".

Namun, ku masih memegang erat tangannya. Berharap agar dia dapat tinggal lebih lama lagi.

"Dahlah. Syawal nak datang tu. Kau lepas ni jangan nakal-nakal bila aku dah takde ni."

Ku lepaskan tangannya. Perlahan-lahan, dia makin menjauh dariku. Yang ada di depan mata ku, "Wal. Ahlan.":)

Ku berbisik kepada diri, 'Moga aku kuat'.


*jujur dari hati yang tulus murni. Eceh.

Setakat ini, Ramadhan kali ini yang paling mendidik dan yang paling indah. Serius. May Allah bless.

And have a blast Eid everyone!

Now

I'm feeling happy and ecstatic since... don't know since when

But when I reached home, open the Internet. My smile fades away.

And you know why.

What scares me more is, how more inhumane and terrifying the world can be when I grow up

When our generation the ones who are going to take over...

But just being afraid alone will not do much.
Let us all ponder for a while

What we must have by now:

• Ambition

It doesn't have to be like an occupation, doctor etc. Dreams have no boundary. You can even dream to invade the world. Well, if you want to. 

• Plans

Don't just dream and be ambitious. You have to plan how you're going to reach your ambition and stop being dependent on luck. Because luck don't really exist. 

• Action! 

You have the target and the strategies (plans), so now all you have to do is to 'shoot'! It doesn't have to be a drastic act! One by one. Istiqamah. If your dreams are realised, try to have new ambition and goals. Or an endless dream. Entering His Jannah :)

Condolences and prayers for them and their family members.

And for a better world. 

Don't just tweet and share, PRAY!

#MH17 #PrayforGaza #PrayforBoth

Truth is...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Dear Reader,

Whoever you are, if you turn out to know me in real life, please

Tell me if I did something really wrong

Instead of ignoring me

But silently punishing me by the mistakes I've done

Please...

Don't try to avoid me just because you don't to want be involved with a person like me

Who've done a mistake that you never tell I did

I'm just a normal human being, like you

Weak, like what's written in the Quran

In the Surah An-Nisa'

That's why my brothers and sisters

He created you and me

To support each other

So we won't go astray

You guide me and I'll guide you

In the best way, Muhammad S.A.W.'s way

But hey...

I can accept a direct critic right on my face

Though it might hurt a bit

Not a bit, a lot

Let it be, let me be

Let me feel the sensation of pain that I haven't feel for quite some time

Because with pain, I'll truly realize

Who I really am all this time

TRUTH hurts but hey, it is way better than LIES

A Dramatic Week, Duh.

Assalamualaikum

I just listened to The Piano Guys' Begin Again.

And it somehow made me ponder. Made me think that, I can begin again.

I SHOULD begin again.

Begin what?

Everything.
Especially on this blessed month of Ramadhan, yes, let's begin...again.

Yeah, it's kinda weird that a song from Taylor Swift that actually motivates me to start all over again, this Ramadhan.

But who cares, my kind of new chapter doesn't have anything to do with the song's lyrics though. Except for the "...begin again". Haha.

And remember, I was reminded by TPG's Begin Again cover, not the Taylor Swift's one.

Curious about The Piano Guys? Check them out at Youtube.

And oh yes, I also heard 'Human' by Christina Perri.

"You just knew that song? That song is ancient!"

Ok, I heard like months ago but I had no idea about the lyrics but the song sounds fancy(?) to me. (I don't think 'fancy' is an appropriate word for such song)

Then, I just recently saw the lyrics and...

I realized that this song is quite deep somehow, a bit different than other songs these days. Simply my forte. Christina Perri, you nailed it once again!

"But I'm only human, I bleed when I fall down"

We're not perfect, no matter how much we try because "we're only human". But still we need to do our best towards perfection, right matey?


Haha. I talked a lot about songs this time cause, I had a week filled with TSUNAMI wave of emotions. I don't even have much appetite at all.

When I was happy, I became a bit too cheeky, goofy and a little crazy somehow.

Then, when I was sad, I slept or cried at the toilet. Cried before I sleep because I couldn't fall asleep. Cried thinking of every little things. I don't think I ever cry this much in my teenagehood (?).

Hmm, when I'm mad and depressed, I just stay quiet, just nodding to every word people say or else I'll explode. Crumpling lots of papers, (totally not good for the environment) or just quickly leave the crowd and...cry.

I rarely cry. Really. And I usually eat a lot. But I wasn't last week. It all happened in a week. maybe two.

I don't know what was wrong. Maybe because of my exam results. Maybe because it was my birthday. Maybe because I didn't win the race. Maybe because my Add Maths teacher is leaving. Maybe... I was too far from remembering Allah, I lost control and became weak.

Or all of the above.

Don't worry I'm doing just fine now. No worries. You know teenage girls and feels. Duh.

(tapi serius, birthday tahun ni memang hambar)

By the way, Ramadhan Al-Mubarak! Wassalam alaik.

What to Pursue? Stop Asking Me That!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Assalamualaikum, and yeay! I'm writing again. I don't know why, but I just feel excited to write (although no one read my blog). You know how it feels when there's an idea or issues struck into your brain and the effectors send the impulses to the finger to elaborate them here, in my blog.

It's wonderful.

So, last week I went to Aussie. And yeah, it was fun and gave me a whole new experience because I never went to developed country like Aussie before. 

Wait, is Aussie a developed country? Not sure bout that, I think so. It's a First World country, so basically, it's a developed country, ahah!

Never mind. However, I'm not going to talk about the places we went to or something like that. 

It's just that I had a conversation with an American tourist there.

"Ooo, WOW!" Oh yeah, it was awesome. I never had a conversation with any foreigners before so it was, a little awkward at first. I met this lady in her 50s at a bus at the Blue Mountains and it went like this...

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: (showed her tag) US, what about you?

Me: Malaysia, have you been there?

Her: No, but I've been to Singapore. They're close to each other right?

Me: Yeah, they're really close to each other.

(silence)(my parents interrupt)

Her: Are you still in school?

Me: Yeah

Her: In which grade?

Me: Umm, I'm in Form 5... umm(how hould I explain it, US have different kind of grading with Malaysia)              Ok, in Malaysia, there are 2 types of.... (bla, bla, bla)

Her: Oooh, so you're in the Senior year then. You know in US...(bla, bla, bla)

Me: Ooh..

And here comes the 'soalan cepumas'

Her: So, what are you planning to do after you finish school?

Me: Mmm, I'm planning to enter college.

Another 'soalan cepumas'!

Her: Yeah, of course. What do you decide to pursue?

Me: Mmm, (I don't know! but just blurted out..) Engineering.....or IT. (Haha, but I do have interest in IT             and a little in Engineering)

Her: Oh, that's nice. Those...

My father interrupted, "You didn't tell me that"

Me: (sengih, hehe, because I still didn't decide yet actually)

Sebenarnya panjang lagi tapi sampai situ je lah. She even asked me to where do I want to continue my study and etc.


I keep hearing this kind of question, it just bother me somehow. Even an Ameican stranger asked me that.

The main point here is, I'm still not sure of what I'm going to do. I just don't.

The main focus right now for me is to STUDY for SPM, then decide. I've a lot of time to think about it after SPM right. So, no worries.

So please, stop asking me that question. I'm no mad. I'm WARNING you all.

A Realization

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Wow, my hands have been itching to write a post, really. Why?

Because these few months have been ADVENTUROUS, HECTIC, full of SURPRISES and LESSONS and SUBHANALLAH, just BEAUTIFUL.

Allah's plans are always beautiful.

But somehow, because of the hecticness, it struck me into realization. Which brought me back to my senses. It feels like a punch from the back which slowly start to hurt me, like it is swelling but doesn't bleed, yet.

The'punch' urged me to look back. And that's when I realized...

I was going too fast, I left a lot of things behind.

I thought I was ahead of everyone. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was too fast and too focused on chasing what's ahead, I didn't realize I missed something... IMPORTANT.
Way important than what's ahead.

Because of that realization, I stop whining for the 'swollen bruise' from the 'punch'. I'm GLAD I was punched.

So now, I'm trying to pick up what was left and missed. One by one. With senses.

It's hard but I've to pay the price.

And clear up my mind. Remind myself of what I'm really going for. And not following the nafs.

By the way, Ustaz Sabri blackmailed warned reminded me. And everyone else.

11 As for Sumative and SPM! 11A + to be exact.

We're doomed. Cause we are freaking IBS.

So, let's just enjoy the 'rain' while we can. Oooh, that moment. I missed it. By the way, the punch should be replaced with a hit from a hockey stick. Cause it hurts lot more.

Jatuh

Musim JATUH, untuk aku, untuk kita, untuk Malaysia dan untuk dunia mungkin.

Jatuh sakit 

Jatuh keputusan SPM

Jatuh keputusan peperiksaan 

Jatuh ke tempat kedua (Debat Zon Bangi)

Musim 'jatuh' (fall) di bahagian selatan 

Jatuh lantai mungkin

Jatuh waktu lari (musim sukan)

Jatuh malu

Jatuh cinta?

Hujan jatuh ke bumi

Kapal terbang jatuh

Jatuh hukuman

Jatuh syahid

Jatuh...

Ada yang sakit, ada yang tak

Ada yang tak dapat di'bangun'kan, 'dibangkit'kan semula. 

Namun, masih ada harapan untuk yang lain bukan. Jika jatuh, jangan lupa untuk bangun.

Jatuh bukan bermakna kegagalan.

Bukan.

Kenapa BM? Jatuh hati pada BM :)

Ingat 370 dan 529. Sampai bila-bila.

2014, Everything is Just About to Begin

Epic kan tajuk dia?

Okay, abaikan...

Assalamualaikum, peace be upon you. It's 2014. And it's SPM for me this year! I'm still trying to swallow the truth...

"SPM, penentu hala tuju kehidupanmu"

So, I have to work harder than I did before. This is no more child's play.

New year; last year in Maahad, last year in school!

New class;  I'm still in the type of class where boys are still in the endangered species category. And for the first time (ever!) in school life, I sit at the most front in class. Ok, not really the most front. The most front among the girls, but just behind the guys. Awkward~

New azam; let's just keep it to myself. My 'azam' is boring, really.

New friends; not really new, because I already know most of them. But, closer! Yang jauh didekatkan, yang dekat dieratkan! Ceh!

New CHALLENGES; SPM, of course. But it's not just about that. Well, I'm going to a new phase of life. Not the real life yet but still, let's challenge ourselves, or else we can't cope with the world out there.

Something tells me it's gonna be an interesting year~ I hope it is!

Last year in school, last year in Bumi Ulama', last year to be childish!
I need to grow up, prepare before the reality hit my face hard. My life is just about to begin. OUR life is just about to begin guys! Prepare for the REAL world.

May Allah guides and ease my way...